What I learned from my absent parent

Modified and adapted from Larena Hernandez

It is always awkward to have to explain, as a child, that your dad is not around. Not because he is deceased, but because he is "too busy".

Knowing that he had moved on to other towns in search for new jobs, neglecting my mother and us was hard. I can admit that now. Even more when I found out from his own words that he actually spent the time outside home because he did not want to have interactions with our family, because he did not enjoy it. It’s a shitty feeling, to feel unwanted by one of your parents. And then one day, many years later, they’re like, “Hey do you wanna spend spend time together and have a relationship?”

Uuuum, no.

The sad thing is, he missed out on a great person. Me. And the most loving grand kids. The good thing is, he has nothing to do with the person I am. He does not get that credit. For a long time, he was everything that was wrong with me…

But, not anymore.

I guess I did learn something from this person. How to NOT be as a parent.

First off, this goes deep into my love for my husband. I love that he puts our kids first. Having grown up the way I did, I would not be with a person who wasn’t lovable and family-oriented. Traits which obviously transition into the role of a parent.

I do not treat my kids as though they are burdens. Don’t get me wrong, I get tired and need time to just breathe, but I never want my kids to feel like a burden. They are my most loved ones, always have been and always will be.

I cherish the little things. Times goes by and does not stop and little people grow up all the time. They learn new things all the time. I celebrate everything in the present and take tons of photos and videos while doing it.

I talk to my kids and understand the importance of it. I never want my kids to feel alone, or that they have no one to go to. I will always have their back and will be there to support and guide them through anything and everything.

Spend one-on-one time. It’s so easy to get lost in busy schedules, work and just everyday life. Our one-on-one time is important to maintaining a strong bond. Even if it’s just playing in the bathtub or having a dance off, making each other laugh, or reading together. I really do cherish those moments.

I try to be consistent. Kids are really smart, no matter what age we’re talking about here. They remember everything, especially if it’s a promise. If I say I will do something, it’s happening. If I’m unsure, I won’t agree to it. Simple as that. I don’t want to be unreliable in their eyes… EVER!

They are very important to me. There’s nothing worse than feeling last on your parents’ list of priorities. As a scientist, mom and wife, my list is long. Whose isn’t? No matter what, I try my best to put them first. This may mean cooking together, letting them pick a family outing, etc. Either way, I want them to know that although mom has other priorities, they are always among the most important.

I try to do things that they like. If my kids like, or ask for something, the answer doesn’t have to always be no. If it’s important to them it’s important to me, even if it’s just a trip to get a sushi.

A few weeks ago I started texting short messages with my father. I have already let go of the animosity. That scorned little girl seems to be gone, he does not have the power to hurt me or make me feel unwanted. I feel that it was OK to move forward.

So, while I learned what disappointment and instability was at a young age, I also learned independence and what not to accept in life. How to show compassion and love unconditionally. And most of all, how not to be as a parent.