Modified and adapted from Larena Hernandez
It is always awkward to have to explain, as a child, that your dad is not around. Not because he is deceased, but because he is "too busy".
Knowing that he had moved on to other towns in search for new jobs, neglecting my mother and us was hard. I can admit that now. Even more when I found out from his own words that he actually spent the time outside home because he did not want to have interactions with our family, because he did not enjoy it. It’s a shitty feeling, to feel unwanted by one of your parents. And then one day, many years later, they’re like, “Hey do you wanna spend spend time together and have a relationship?”
Uuuum, no.
The sad thing is, he missed out on a great person. Me. And the most loving grand kids. The good thing is, he has nothing to do with the person I am. He does not get that credit. For a long time, he was everything that was wrong with me…
But, not anymore.
I guess I did learn something from this person. How to NOT be as a parent.
First off, this goes deep into my love for my husband. I love that he puts our kids first. Having grown up the way I did, I would not be with a person who wasn’t lovable and family-oriented. Traits which obviously transition into the role of a parent.
I do not treat my kids as though they are burdens. Don’t get me wrong, I get tired and need time to just breathe, but I never want my kids to feel like a burden. They are my most loved ones, always have been and always will be.
I cherish the little things. Times goes by and does not stop and little people grow up all the time. They learn new things all the time. I celebrate everything in the present and take tons of photos and videos while doing it.
I talk to my kids and understand the importance of it. I never want my kids to feel alone, or that they have no one to go to. I will always have their back and will be there to support and guide them through anything and everything.
Spend one-on-one time. It’s so easy to get lost in busy schedules, work and just everyday life. Our one-on-one time is important to maintaining a strong bond. Even if it’s just playing in the bathtub or having a dance off, making each other laugh, or reading together. I really do cherish those moments.
I try to be consistent. Kids are really smart, no matter what age we’re talking about here. They remember everything, especially if it’s a promise. If I say I will do something, it’s happening. If I’m unsure, I won’t agree to it. Simple as that. I don’t want to be unreliable in their eyes… EVER!
They are very important to me. There’s nothing worse than feeling last on your parents’ list of priorities. As a scientist, mom and wife, my list is long. Whose isn’t? No matter what, I try my best to put them first. This may mean cooking together, letting them pick a family outing, etc. Either way, I want them to know that although mom has other priorities, they are always among the most important.
I try to do things that they like. If my kids like, or ask for something, the answer doesn’t have to always be no. If it’s important to them it’s important to me, even if it’s just a trip to get a sushi.
A few weeks ago I started texting short messages with my father. I have already let go of the animosity. That scorned little girl seems to be gone, he does not have the power to hurt me or make me feel unwanted. I feel that it was OK to move forward.
So, while I learned what disappointment and instability was at a young age, I also learned independence and what not to accept in life. How to show compassion and love unconditionally. And most of all, how not to be as a parent.
lunes, 19 de junio de 2017
jueves, 15 de junio de 2017
Keeping the mother tongue alive in our home
Modified and adapted from various authors
In the time before I became a mother, I planned for my child to be multilingual. The moment I took my baby girl to my arms, the words that almost came out of my mouth where in Spanish. Since I married a German speaker, we have been speaking English together for many years. Spanish words were not easily coming out. Moreover, we would be raising our family in a small town Sweden. My husband spoke some Spanish but our family language was English.
I was stumped about how to make the plans a reality. I knew the most effective way, the way counseled by language acquisition experts, was for me to speak Spanish to my daughter and for my husband to speak German: the “one speaker, one language” rule.
Some people describe their language level as having stalled at the age of their immigration. My vocabulary was now being populated by a microcosm of languages, food related to my place of origin is discussable in Spanish. Mexican jokes. Insults. Family gossip. But I have scant words to discuss politics, which we rarely broached at home. Or science. Or cultural theory. Even food when is things I did not have growing up. Any number of topics that might come up in a wider social or intellectual context, do in fact preoccupy my mind in English. A few other things exists in my mind only in Swedish, such as "fika" and "foreldreledig", or in German, such as "schade".
There have been in fact moments in which my mother tongue failed me, and vice versa, I wondered: Am I even qualified to teach my daugther Spanish? Would I be passing on a fractured, stunted language that would prevent her from seeing the world in full color?
So far my oldest is 2 years old. Now she understands Spanish, German and Swedish. We also noticed that she understand a lot of English. She speaks mostly Spanish at home. Her dad and I joke that she picked Spanish first because I talk more than he does. Also at preschool she speaks now Swedish. And to her little sister, for now she decided to have an own language with her.
It might be early but I am curious as to how this will continue. For now I would like to share the strategies I follow to keep her mother tongue alive:
1. Consistency. I speak only Spanish to my girls… all the time, regardless of what language those who were around us spoke. When I first leaved the house with my oldest as a baby, I tried to avoid speaking to her because I felt so unsure about my language skills and my place in the world. But when she became mobile and getting into everything, for her safety, I had to talk to her outside! and loud enough for her to hear me. It was weird in the beginning, but then I got used to it, and now I honestly don’t even notice.
2. Reading. I read everything in Spanish. And when the books are in any of the other 3 languages I just come up with a story on the fly that fits the illustrations.
3. Activities and Spanish play dates. I want them be able to communicate in Spanish about more than what we are going to eat or wear so I make an effort to meet other Spanish speaking people.
4. Movies. I look for movies in Spanish so she would hear different vocabulary.
5. Family skype. I try to skype with family in Mexico once or twice a week so she would also hear the language and get exposed to the culture.
As Yoojin Grace Wuertz wrote "I imagine that behind every bilingual person there is a story of separation. Of homes left behind, families divided, identities remade over and over again. A history of loss in addition to the mixed gains"
So I do want them to learn Spanish but I myself not completely versed in the language. I do not know the future, but sometimes I imagine my girls and me in the future speaking Spanish for some topics and English for other topics, maybe even German. And who knows, I might even learn Swedish good enough to talk to them as well.
In the time before I became a mother, I planned for my child to be multilingual. The moment I took my baby girl to my arms, the words that almost came out of my mouth where in Spanish. Since I married a German speaker, we have been speaking English together for many years. Spanish words were not easily coming out. Moreover, we would be raising our family in a small town Sweden. My husband spoke some Spanish but our family language was English.
I was stumped about how to make the plans a reality. I knew the most effective way, the way counseled by language acquisition experts, was for me to speak Spanish to my daughter and for my husband to speak German: the “one speaker, one language” rule.
Some people describe their language level as having stalled at the age of their immigration. My vocabulary was now being populated by a microcosm of languages, food related to my place of origin is discussable in Spanish. Mexican jokes. Insults. Family gossip. But I have scant words to discuss politics, which we rarely broached at home. Or science. Or cultural theory. Even food when is things I did not have growing up. Any number of topics that might come up in a wider social or intellectual context, do in fact preoccupy my mind in English. A few other things exists in my mind only in Swedish, such as "fika" and "foreldreledig", or in German, such as "schade".
There have been in fact moments in which my mother tongue failed me, and vice versa, I wondered: Am I even qualified to teach my daugther Spanish? Would I be passing on a fractured, stunted language that would prevent her from seeing the world in full color?
So far my oldest is 2 years old. Now she understands Spanish, German and Swedish. We also noticed that she understand a lot of English. She speaks mostly Spanish at home. Her dad and I joke that she picked Spanish first because I talk more than he does. Also at preschool she speaks now Swedish. And to her little sister, for now she decided to have an own language with her.
It might be early but I am curious as to how this will continue. For now I would like to share the strategies I follow to keep her mother tongue alive:
1. Consistency. I speak only Spanish to my girls… all the time, regardless of what language those who were around us spoke. When I first leaved the house with my oldest as a baby, I tried to avoid speaking to her because I felt so unsure about my language skills and my place in the world. But when she became mobile and getting into everything, for her safety, I had to talk to her outside! and loud enough for her to hear me. It was weird in the beginning, but then I got used to it, and now I honestly don’t even notice.
2. Reading. I read everything in Spanish. And when the books are in any of the other 3 languages I just come up with a story on the fly that fits the illustrations.
3. Activities and Spanish play dates. I want them be able to communicate in Spanish about more than what we are going to eat or wear so I make an effort to meet other Spanish speaking people.
4. Movies. I look for movies in Spanish so she would hear different vocabulary.
5. Family skype. I try to skype with family in Mexico once or twice a week so she would also hear the language and get exposed to the culture.
As Yoojin Grace Wuertz wrote "I imagine that behind every bilingual person there is a story of separation. Of homes left behind, families divided, identities remade over and over again. A history of loss in addition to the mixed gains"
So I do want them to learn Spanish but I myself not completely versed in the language. I do not know the future, but sometimes I imagine my girls and me in the future speaking Spanish for some topics and English for other topics, maybe even German. And who knows, I might even learn Swedish good enough to talk to them as well.
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