The reasons why socialising gets a little more complicated with small children

Modified after Christine Skoutelas

Keep in mind we’re not upset about these things; we are not complaining about our choice to raise our little ones. Basically, when it comes to friendships, parents of young children are forced to hunker down and encase themselves in a protective cocoon in order to preserve their energy, like some spore that can withstand the harshest of elements.

1. The children’s schedule is more important than one would think. Turns out children need to eat, drink, move, sleep and poop. Every day of the year. And, for the most part, it really DOES make a difference when, where and how these events occur. This means that the noon lunch dates, 4 p.m. coffee dates or dinners out at any time are really, really hard to swing. Yes, sometimes we can do it, but when we do, we are pushing it, so we tend to save up these moments for holidays, vacations or other special occasions. Even if it works out OK, and we/our child make it look easy, it leaves us exhausted because it basically gives us a heart attack worrying about whether or not our selfish choice will result in having to calm our child who is screaming like mad and/or having to clean urine or feces off in public.

2. Children put their parents on a schedule of their own. Parents usually blame schedules solely on their children, but the truth is, we now have a schedule, too. Before we get to work, we are already several hours into our day. When the children nap, we clean the kitchen or the bathroom or fold the laundry. Once the children go to sleep, we may or may not get to any of the items on our to-do list, bills, home improvement projects, workouts, or any of the other things normal people do on a day-to-day basis (that are virtually impossible to do while the children are awake), before we basically collapse in a useless heap on the couch. Yes, we know it’s only 8:30 p.m. And, yes, we’re TOAST. If we do see you outside of our typical schedule, particularly in the evening hours, take it as a huge compliment. We’re still getting up at the ungodly hour we always do the next morning, and are unable to make up that extra energy we are expending for the next 18 years or so.

3. We like hanging out with our children. And if we work outside the home, we feel like our time with them is very limited. Going out to dinner could mean not seeing our child all day; going away for the weekend could mean not seeing our child for 80 percent of the week (that we are not working and they are awake). Seemingly boring activities, like stacking cups, singing the ABCs, pushing a little one on a swing or even simply eating a meal with the children, have turned into some of our favourite moments. Even if you see our child act like a total terrorist, crying every five minutes or bouncing off the walls like a human pinball, there are more instances than you can imagine that result in us smiling the biggest smiles, laughing the loudest laughs or otherwise NOT being annoyed with our own offspring. This can be hard to imagine, I know.

4. “Just bring the children” is an option. But it is one that sucks. Even though we thoroughly enjoy our time at home, we want to see you, too. We really do. Even so, we often decline invitations to your fun events, not because they don’t sound like a blast in general, but because we know, for us, they just won’t be fun. This is not because YOU aren’t fun. You are a riot. (Do you hear us? We really do think this, even if we neglect to express this enough.) We just can’t focus on you very well when we have to simultaneously keep an eye on our children, making sure they don’t choke, drown in a randomly placed vat of water or get a head injury bumping into the pointy corner of a table. We spend a lot more time and energy worrying about keeping our brood alive than you might imagine. A lot of times we host events you don’t get invited to. Again, this isn’t because YOU aren’t fun — it’s because our events aren’t fun, at least not for most adults. They are loud, obnoxious and strategically located where there are wide open spaces or playscapes that allow toddlers to run and bounce off padded surfaces and screaming like banshees.

5. Seemingly benign household chores suddenly seem to consume our lives. Things we used to think were nothing now seem to take over everything. Washing, drying, scrubbing, cooking. I still haven’t figured out how one or two tiny little humans result in thirty-five times the number of dishes, laundry loads and crumbs on the floor, but they do. Chores that we used to be able to put off until we felt like doing them now Must. Be. Done. Immediately. If they wait, we fear our house might implode, much like a black hole, from the massive amount of grime and toys and dirty dishes concentrated in one place. To top it off, feeding and housing small children results in such an exponential increase in clutter and dirt.

6. Children go to sleep pretty early. Which means we have to leave events even earlier, or we miss attending them altogether. It’s easy to look at our children and say, “Oh, they don’t even look tired!” — and you’d be right. That’s why we’re leaving NOW, before they have a total meltdown and lose it. We can preemptively sense these things, like some animals can sense earthquakes before they register on any seismograph.

7. Leisure time is so limited that we tend to spend it on ourselves (often by ourselves). Getting a manicure or a haircut or a taking a trip to the gym requires creative scheduling, and everything else in our life to go according to plan — our spouse’s engagements, our children’s health, work obligations. A lot of our hobbies end up being things we can do at any hour of the day, on our own time, by ourselves: jogging, reading, writing or activities that can be done just as well at 3 a.m. or 3 p.m. The demands of the social calendar scare us. If we’re going to fit in time to actually see another human being, it’s usually someone who can give us the most bang for our buck: a workout buddy or someone to chat with during a playdate, or, rarely, a meet-up with a pal who can completely de-stress us, who is totally on board with our entire excursion being completed within a 30- to 45-minute window. We do not have the time or energy for idle lingering.

8. Sometimes we just need to idly linger. OK, this might seem like I’m refuting my last point, but I’m really not. We’re spending so much energy carrying, wiping, toting, cleaning, chasing after, listening to, reasoning with, teaching and doing, that sometimes we need to just sit, in a quiet space, for 10 or 30 or 120 minutes in a row, for our own sanity, and for the safety of those around us. There is no sleeping in or afternoon napping or resting on the weekend, so these moments are critical to help our bodies and minds recover and recharge for the remainder of our day or week.

A toddler's realisation about language

Interesting weekend. My oldest daughter is now 2 years and almost 10 months, learning everyday something new. It is really a fascinating time for me. So far my daughter has been using mostly Spanish when she speaks to me and mostly German when she speaks to her dad. Of course there are the phrases which she prefers to use un Swedish with both of us and with her sister. Also some of her vocabulary is stronger in one of the languages. For example, her dad takes her the most to the park, so all the park vocabulary is stronger in German. My mom came all the way from Mexico right before the father of my children went on a 1 week work trip. My mom mostly speaks spanish, she has tried to learn other languages but as she puts it "los idiomas no son lo mío".

Now with this long intro comes the short story. 

On Saturday, my daughter had THE big realisation -Some people just understand one language-. "Abuela" only understands Spanish. 

On Sunday she asked me to read a book for her. So far I was mostly "reading" all our books in Spanish for her. That is, I was reading/translating it for her. But after the big realisation the day before it seemed appropriate to tell her that the book she had selected was in German. I proceeded to read it in German and after the second page she looked at me. She was actually staring at me. Then she said "Mama en español". WOW WOW WOW!!!! So I continued in Spanish. Then she picked another book. I said this one is in English. Shall I read it in English o "lo leo en español". She thought about it for a minute and decided she wanted it in English. She was thrilled. She repeated every sentence after me, like trying to figure it out. She has heard me speak in English to her father all her life, and now she was getting it first hand, entering that part of my world, my English world. 

Life with two: a nine month update

Inspired by Nicola Bonn

It was raining all day and then the sky opened up just in time to show us its beautiful colors. I'm thankful to be in such lovely company 👫👭🌄😍 . . . . #whpthankful #familytime #outdoorlovers #outdoortherapy #lovemylittleones #runwildmychild #letthemexplore #watchthemgrow #husbandofinstagram #sunset #jj_skylove #skyporn #bns_sunset #sunset_specialist #tv_tinypeople #momwithcamera #cameramama #sarilogsunset #sweden #myuppsala #swedishlife #visitsweden #sweden_photolovers #hallazgosemanal #diewocheaufinstagram

A post shared by Sarahi L. Garcia (@sarilog) on Nov 18, 2017 at 11:42am PST

It’s been 9 months since my second daughter was born. So nine months in, and nine months out. As a new mum of two I was feeling pretty depressed and overwhelmed. I found it hard to cope and had panic attacks. I was in fact diagnosed with PND and given medication, which started working after a month of taking it. I am feeling a lot better now. It has really made a difference in my life.

Anyway, my second born is 9 months old now and those difficult initial months seem like something of a distant dream. In fact, life with two is suddenly a lot more manageable. Of course is very intense. I like to use the word intense because it is quite neutral. It reflects intensity in both sides of the spectrum. Of course having two children crying at me and trying to climb on me to be hugged at the same time is intense, but also having two children giggling and laughing and kissing me is very intense <3 .

My first born has grown and matured a lot. She is no longer running everywhere like a crazy chicken. In fact she now tries to help with little tasks, is communicating a lot more and is trying hard to share and make her sister smile. My second born is now mobile now and she is very good at entertainging herself for short periods. We’re getting (a little bit) more sleep and are enjoying family days out when the weather allows.

My heart melts as you watch my two children interacting and loving each other. Some mornings when we wake up and stay a few minutes in bed, cuddling and whispering I feel fulfilled and somehow whole.

Classical music bath time

This morning my oldest and I were taking a bath while listening to some classical music. When Fantasie Impromptu #4 came up she decided to share with me her interpretation of it. She said first that there were horses and lions. I asked her if she meant zebras, to which after thinking for a while she replied, all of them, lions, zebras and horses. After listening more careful to the song, she said that giraffes were now joining, very small ones she said. Then she said the giraffes were moving their eyes, also they were looking for cake. Cake was part of the song she said. Then she said all animals were dancing. She kept listening for a while and then she said all animals have gotten flowers and place them in their lips. Towards the end of the song she said that crocodiles were joining the rest of the animals. 

All this conversation happened in Spanish by the way. While taking a cup of imaginary coffee made from the bath water.

These mother moments are priceless <3

What I learned from my absent parent

Modified and adapted from Larena Hernandez

It is always awkward to have to explain, as a child, that your dad is not around. Not because he is deceased, but because he is "too busy".

Knowing that he had moved on to other towns in search for new jobs, neglecting my mother and us was hard. I can admit that now. Even more when I found out from his own words that he actually spent the time outside home because he did not want to have interactions with our family, because he did not enjoy it. It’s a shitty feeling, to feel unwanted by one of your parents. And then one day, many years later, they’re like, “Hey do you wanna spend spend time together and have a relationship?”

Uuuum, no.

The sad thing is, he missed out on a great person. Me. And the most loving grand kids. The good thing is, he has nothing to do with the person I am. He does not get that credit. For a long time, he was everything that was wrong with me…

But, not anymore.

I guess I did learn something from this person. How to NOT be as a parent.

First off, this goes deep into my love for my husband. I love that he puts our kids first. Having grown up the way I did, I would not be with a person who wasn’t lovable and family-oriented. Traits which obviously transition into the role of a parent.

I do not treat my kids as though they are burdens. Don’t get me wrong, I get tired and need time to just breathe, but I never want my kids to feel like a burden. They are my most loved ones, always have been and always will be.

I cherish the little things. Times goes by and does not stop and little people grow up all the time. They learn new things all the time. I celebrate everything in the present and take tons of photos and videos while doing it.

I talk to my kids and understand the importance of it. I never want my kids to feel alone, or that they have no one to go to. I will always have their back and will be there to support and guide them through anything and everything.

Spend one-on-one time. It’s so easy to get lost in busy schedules, work and just everyday life. Our one-on-one time is important to maintaining a strong bond. Even if it’s just playing in the bathtub or having a dance off, making each other laugh, or reading together. I really do cherish those moments.

I try to be consistent. Kids are really smart, no matter what age we’re talking about here. They remember everything, especially if it’s a promise. If I say I will do something, it’s happening. If I’m unsure, I won’t agree to it. Simple as that. I don’t want to be unreliable in their eyes… EVER!

They are very important to me. There’s nothing worse than feeling last on your parents’ list of priorities. As a scientist, mom and wife, my list is long. Whose isn’t? No matter what, I try my best to put them first. This may mean cooking together, letting them pick a family outing, etc. Either way, I want them to know that although mom has other priorities, they are always among the most important.

I try to do things that they like. If my kids like, or ask for something, the answer doesn’t have to always be no. If it’s important to them it’s important to me, even if it’s just a trip to get a sushi.

A few weeks ago I started texting short messages with my father. I have already let go of the animosity. That scorned little girl seems to be gone, he does not have the power to hurt me or make me feel unwanted. I feel that it was OK to move forward.

So, while I learned what disappointment and instability was at a young age, I also learned independence and what not to accept in life. How to show compassion and love unconditionally. And most of all, how not to be as a parent.

Keeping the mother tongue alive in our home

Modified and adapted from various authors

In the time before I became a mother, I planned for my child to be multilingual. The moment I took my baby girl to my arms, the words that almost came out of my mouth where in Spanish. Since I married a German speaker, we have been speaking English together for many years. Spanish words were not easily coming out. Moreover, we would be raising our family in a small town Sweden. My husband spoke some Spanish but our family language was English.

I was stumped about how to make the plans a reality. I knew the most effective way, the way counseled by language acquisition experts, was for me to speak Spanish to my daughter and for my husband to speak German: the “one speaker, one language” rule.

Some people describe their language level as having stalled at the age of their immigration. My vocabulary was now being populated by a microcosm of languages, food related to my place of origin is discussable in Spanish. Mexican jokes. Insults. Family gossip. But I have scant words to discuss politics, which we rarely broached at home. Or science. Or cultural theory. Even food when is things I did not have growing up. Any number of topics that might come up in a wider social or intellectual context, do in fact preoccupy my mind in English. A few other things exists in my mind only in Swedish, such as "fika" and "foreldreledig", or in German, such as "schade".

There have been in fact moments in which my mother tongue failed me, and vice versa, I wondered: Am I even qualified to teach my daugther Spanish? Would I be passing on a fractured, stunted language that would prevent her from seeing the world in full color?

So far my oldest is 2 years old. Now she understands Spanish, German and Swedish. We also noticed that she understand a lot of English. She speaks mostly Spanish at home. Her dad and I joke that she picked Spanish first because I talk more than he does. Also at preschool she speaks now Swedish. And to her little sister, for now she decided to have an own language with her.

It might be early but I am curious as to how this will continue. For now I would like to share the strategies I follow to keep her mother tongue alive:

1.    Consistency. I speak only Spanish to my girls… all the time, regardless of what language those who were around us spoke. When I first leaved the house with my oldest as a baby, I tried to avoid speaking to her because I felt so unsure about my language skills and my place in the world. But when she became mobile and getting into everything, for her safety, I had to talk to her outside! and loud enough for her to hear me. It was weird in the beginning, but then I got used to it, and now I honestly don’t even notice.

2.    Reading. I read everything in Spanish. And when the books are in any of the other 3 languages I just come up with a story on the fly that fits the illustrations.

3.    Activities and Spanish play dates. I want them be able to communicate in Spanish about more than what we are going to eat or wear so I make an effort to meet other Spanish speaking people.

4.    Movies. I look for movies in Spanish so she would hear different vocabulary.

5.    Family skype. I try to skype with family in Mexico once or twice a week so she would also hear the language and get exposed to the culture.

As Yoojin Grace Wuertz wrote "I imagine that behind every bilingual person there is a story of separation. Of homes left behind, families divided, identities remade over and over again. A history of loss in addition to the mixed gains"

So I do want them to learn Spanish but I myself not completely versed in the language. I do not know the future, but sometimes I imagine my girls and me in the future speaking Spanish for some topics and English for other topics, maybe even German. And who knows, I might even learn Swedish good enough to talk to them as well.

En Suecia dar nalgadas a tus hijos esta prohibido

Desde hace varios años decidí no usar la violencia como forma de educar. A mi me educaron a nalgadas y cachetadas. Crecí para ser una buena persona, dirían muchos, pero es que en verdad quedan cicatrices emocionales.

Ahora esta científicamente comprobado que dar nalgadas como modo disciplinario tiene consecuencias psicológicas en los niños similares a la violencia y el abuso. Incluso, esta comprobado que a largo plazo, el comportamiento de los niños que se convierten en adultos no se traduce directamente en personas de buena conducta de acuerdo a la intención que los padres.

"En general, no damos a nuestros hijos el tipo de respeto que exigimos de ellos" - Jerry Wyckoff

¡Oh gran shock cultural! cuando me enteré que ¡en Suecia dar nalgadas a tus hijos esta legalmente prohibido! "Lo que fue ampliamente visto como una iniciativa radical y muy sueca en la década de 1970 se ha convertido en una norma oficial o extraoficial en más de 50 de las 203 naciones del mundo."

Enseñemos a respetar, respetando <3

Birthday party and due date

Today my oldest kid turned 2 years old. Today is also my pregnancy due date. So many mixed feelings and emotions.

Part of me thought how lucky would it be if my two kids actually shared their birthday, and part of me was hoping they each got their special day. The day is almost over, my daughter is sleeping, and so I now know they will each have their special day.

I was looking at pictures and remembering all the good times with my oldest daughter. She is such an energetic kid, smiley, loves greeting new people and chatting as much as she can.

I hope baby comes soon. My body is really tired, and aching. A part of me is a little nostalgic. Every time my oldest hugs me, I wonder if it will be the last time I will have both arms free just for her.

But mama will have love for both <3

... countdown

6 weeks to go ... hopefully!

I still remember that day almost 2 years ago, after 9 long months, after hoping to hold my first baby, it finally happened. And I felt everything; bliss, relief, disbelief, and pain, too. That big moment when she was placed in my arms, I knew my life will never, ever be the same.

I am so looking forward to that moment again ... 6 more weeks to go!