In the last days I have heard so much crying. SO much crying!
Children were sick, my mother was angry, and I just had my heart broken.
I was mostly grieving the loss of a relationship I thought I had with my mother. Since I am an adult I have been very open to her, and I told her so many things about what I thought, about how I wanted to live my life, how I wanted to educate my children. She mostly listened. For years she listened and refused to say what she thought. I don't know how it somehow did not occur to me that she remained silent because she did not want to fight with me. Because she disagreed with me. And maybe because her life did not lead her to a place where she could understand me. So she finally exploded, and she told me that she tried to take it all, to compromise in silence so we could have a good relationship. But here I am thinking that actually that was not a relationship. That was me just talking. How naive was I to believe that me talking was a relationship.
Ahhh!!!! there is so much in my head that wants out and I can't find the words or make sense of it
but the last days have been so so hard.
Fortunately, because my mental health is better than ever, I somehow feel like all this hardness is hitting me differently than it used to. I am no longer looking for the approval my mom refuses to give. I am growing and learning from it all. It is like I go to bed thinking about all the pain and then I wake up wiser than the day before. Wiser about motherhood I mean.
So with all the crying, and crying. For the first time in my life I was able to think clearly despite the crying. I can understand how hard life is. How it only gets more complicated. How hard everybody must have it. How I should not judge or feel superior nor inferior to anybody. How I believe I should just live a life I can enjoy, be content with what I have, be grateful for everything and look for the positive in anything.
I now know I have the biggest gift of it all. I have the privilege and the responsibility to choose how I live every moment in my life. I can make a decision every morning, every afternoon, every evening and every day. I choose to enjoy and be grateful!
