First day of forskola 2.0

Today was Lena's first day of preschool. Such a bitter sweet day.

I felt happier than sad, mostly because she is attending the group where Frida used to go just a few months ago. The main teacher there (Songul) is wonderful. She even called me two days ago to let me know what time I should drop by and to tell me she was excited to have me as a mother of one of her group again. She said she missed me <3 I also missed her, so somehow I feel like Lena is going there to adoptive family. Really lovely people (Songul, Moa and Ozlem).

The morning was bright cloudy, and cold. There is still a lot of snow. We first dropped Frida next doors and then went together with Lena to her new classroom (radjuret). Songul greeted us in Swedish. It is quite nice to be able to understand most of the Swedish that is spoken there (however, my speaking Swedish is still quite slow). Lena was at first interested in the books, she then looked at the fish in the tank, then a few objects. Her favourite object was the little empty jar of spices. We had a really lovely time.

Towards the end of our stay there, Lena decided to go and explore on her own. She explored the bathroom and decided to wash her hands and play with water together with another child.

I think it was quite a successful first day in forskola.

Motherhood wisdom

Gute Besserung flowers for me 🌼 #gerberas #flowerstagram #whpmystyle

A post shared by Sarahi L. Garcia (@sarilog) on Jan 13, 2018 at 12:06pm PST

In the last days I have heard so much crying. SO much crying!
Children were sick, my mother was angry, and I just had my heart broken.

I was mostly grieving the loss of a relationship I thought I had with my mother. Since I am an adult I have been very open to her, and I told her so many things about what I thought, about how I wanted to live my life, how I wanted to educate my children. She mostly listened. For years she listened and refused to say what she thought. I don't know how it somehow did not occur to me that she remained silent because she did not want to fight with me. Because she disagreed with me. And maybe because her life did not lead her to a place where she could understand me. So she finally exploded, and she told me that she tried to take it all, to compromise in silence so we could have a good relationship. But here I am thinking that actually that was not a relationship. That was me just talking. How naive was I to believe that me talking was a relationship.

Ahhh!!!! there is so much in my head that wants out and I can't find the words or make sense of it
but the last days have been so so hard.

Fortunately, because my mental health is better than ever, I somehow feel like all this hardness is hitting me differently than it used to. I am no longer looking for the approval my mom refuses to give. I am growing and learning from it all. It is like I go to bed thinking about all the pain and then I wake up wiser than the day before. Wiser about motherhood I mean.

So with all the crying, and crying. For the first time in my life I was able to think clearly despite the crying. I can understand how hard life is. How it only gets more complicated. How hard everybody must have it. How I should not judge or feel superior nor inferior to anybody. How I believe I should just live a life I can enjoy, be content with what I have, be grateful for everything and look for the positive in anything.

I now know I have the biggest gift of it all. I have the privilege and the responsibility to choose how I live every moment in my life. I can make a decision every morning, every afternoon, every evening and every day. I choose to enjoy and be grateful!